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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26058676">Gone Days</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ATISTAMY/pseuds/ATISTAMY'>ATISTAMY</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Bang Chan is a Sweetheart, Felix is me lol, Felix is sad, Happy Ending, M/M, Soft Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Words, everything is kinda sad, idk how to tag dude, kinda sad, soft, um I still can’t tag but I’ll get better-</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 11:06:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,513</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26058676</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ATISTAMY/pseuds/ATISTAMY</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A certain someone writes letters to another certain someone, someone who is in a band he knows quite well.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bang Chan/Lee Felix</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Preface</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey guys, I used to write on another platform but um, let’s say stuff happened. So now I’ve decided to shoot my shot on here. I wrote this when I was pretty down, but from then on I’ve learn to try and look at the good things in life. I hope you guys enjoy this poorly constructed but kind of touching story! &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒓𝒐𝒕𝒆 𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒔. </p><p>𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆𝒔 𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒓𝒐𝒕𝒆 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒂 𝒅𝒂𝒚, 𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒘𝒐.<br/>𝒘𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒔, 𝒘𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒔 - 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒅𝒅𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒐 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒆.</p><p>𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒓𝒐𝒕𝒆 𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒔.</p><p>𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒃𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒎𝒆 𝒂 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒅𝒐𝒘𝒏.</p><p>𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒆 𝒅𝒂𝒚𝒔.</p><p>𝒅𝒂𝒚 𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒆,</p><p>𝒅𝒂𝒚 𝒆𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕, </p><p>𝒅𝒂𝒚 𝒔𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏, </p><p>𝒔𝒊𝒙, <br/>𝒇𝒊𝒗𝒆, <br/>𝒇𝒐𝒖𝒓... </p><p>𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒓𝒐𝒕𝒆 𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒔.</p><p> </p><p>𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒅𝒐𝒘𝒏 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒅 𝒐𝒏𝒆.<br/>𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒂𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒏𝒖𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 𝒐𝒏𝒆? </p><p>𝒊𝒕 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒔 𝒓𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒖𝒑 𝒕𝒐 𝒛𝒆𝒓𝒐.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Day 9 to Day 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Day 9</p><p>𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒔 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒕 𝒐𝒏𝒄𝒆. </p><p>𝒊𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒔 𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒍𝒆 𝒃𝒚 𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒍𝒆, 𝒇𝒓𝒂𝒈𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒃𝒚 𝒇𝒓𝒂𝒈𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕. 𝒊𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒔 𝒂 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒖𝒕𝒆 𝒂𝒕 𝒂 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆, 𝒂 𝒔𝒆𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒅 𝒂𝒕 𝒂 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆, 𝒂 𝒎𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒂𝒕 𝒂 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆. 𝒊𝒕'𝒔 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒖𝒔𝒄𝒖𝒍𝒆, 𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒊𝒈𝒏𝒊𝒇𝒊𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒊𝒏𝒄𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒆𝒏𝒅 𝒖𝒑 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒗𝒂𝒔𝒕 𝒄𝒉𝒐𝒊𝒄𝒆𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒔.</p><p>𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅.</p><p> </p><p>— Letter One.</p><p>dear chan,</p><p>❝ i can't get over your perfection? no matter how much i look at you. i keep saying it and thinking it. it drives me insane. how can i deny the truth? the more i look at you, the more i think about you. i grow infatuated, obsessed. who even are you chris bang? </p><p>sometimes i think god sent down angels to help the guide the stray souls on earth, to make sure that they stay safe. i'm not quite safe, but who really needs safety? you're here for me to look at, you're here all safe and sound. just as long as you're safe and alive, i'm absolutely lovely. ❞</p><p>— someone who wants you to be safe and well.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>— Letter Two.</p><p>dearest chris,</p><p>❝ in reality, think about it. being so in love with someone to the point where anything they do has you smiling and laughing, in complete awe. anything they do or say makes you want to love them and give them every single little thing you've ever owned. </p><p>loving someone to the point where all you want is for them to smile for the rest of their life, for them to have the entire vast universe. loving someone so much, just so much. what is self love? i don't know what it is. but who really needs it? you're alive for me to love. chan? you're really amazing. thank you for being here for me to love, even if we aren't close. ❞</p><p>— someone who adores every single flaw and talent you possess.</p><p> </p><p>Day 8</p><p>𝒍𝒆𝒕'𝒔 𝒔𝒂𝒚 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒉𝒊𝒕 𝒂 𝒘𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒔𝒉𝒍𝒚 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒂 𝒘𝒐𝒐𝒅𝒆𝒏 𝒃𝒂𝒕. 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒘𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒃𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒌, 𝒊𝒕𝒔 𝒎𝒂𝒅𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒚 𝒖𝒑 𝒕𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒈, 𝒎𝒂𝒅𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒊𝒕𝒔 𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒊𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒆.</p><p> 𝒏𝒐𝒘, 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒉𝒊𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒔𝒂𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒍𝒆 𝒅𝒂𝒚 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒂 𝒇𝒆𝒘 𝒚𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒔, 𝒉𝒊𝒕 𝒊𝒕 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒙𝒂𝒄𝒕 𝒔𝒂𝒎𝒆 𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒕 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒍𝒆 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆. 𝒅𝒂𝒚 𝒃𝒚 𝒅𝒂𝒚, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒊𝒔 𝒔𝒍𝒐𝒘𝒍𝒚 𝒘𝒆𝒂𝒌𝒆𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈. 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒅𝒂𝒚, 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒈𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒆𝒆 𝒂 𝒄𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒊𝒏 𝒊𝒕. 𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒅𝒂𝒚, 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒍𝒍 𝒔𝒆𝒆 𝒔𝒎𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒃𝒊𝒕𝒔 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒄𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒐𝒇𝒇. </p><p> </p><p>𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒅𝒂𝒚, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒄𝒐𝒍𝒍𝒂𝒑𝒔𝒆𝒔. </p><p>𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒐𝒍𝒆, 𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒓𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒇𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒔. 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒘𝒉𝒚? 𝒃𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒉𝒊𝒕 𝒊𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒂𝒎𝒆 𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒚 𝒕𝒐𝒐 𝒎𝒂𝒏𝒚 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆𝒔. </p><p>𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔.</p><p> </p><p>— Letter Three.</p><p>dearest chan,</p><p>❝ look at that, it's the eighth day already. just yesterday was day nine. funny how time moves so fast, almost like one day it'll catch right up to you. you'll probably never read these letters, but if you do, you should look closely. maybe there's a reason i want you to, maybe not. but i know you will chan. </p><p>you're the most caring and intuitive person i know. so bright. so full of energy. you shine brighter than any light or star ever will, you put the sun to shame. i wonder what it's like to shine that bright, i wonder what it's like to shine. how does it feel? to be the person that so many people live for. live, love. did you ever notice the similarities in those words? almost as if they were connected some how. </p><p>thank you for shining so brightly chris, i hope your light stays strong. ❞</p><p>— someone who loves your light.</p><p> </p><p>Day 7</p><p>𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓. 𝒅𝒆𝒇𝒊𝒏𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 - 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒛𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏 𝒂𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝒂 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆, 𝒆𝒎𝒐𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔. 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒛𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒊𝒓 𝒐𝒘𝒏 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒃𝒆𝒊𝒏𝒈, 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒎𝒐𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒊𝒓 𝒐𝒘𝒏 𝒘𝒂𝒚, 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒚 𝒅𝒊𝒇𝒇𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒕. 𝒚𝒆𝒕, 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒂𝒔 𝒊𝒎𝒑𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒂𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒐𝒘𝒏 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆. </p><p>𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒄𝒂𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒆𝒓 𝒘𝒉𝒐 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒈𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒓𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒔𝒎𝒊𝒍𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒂 𝒑𝒊𝒆𝒄𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒄𝒉𝒐𝒄𝒐𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒆𝒆 𝒉𝒆𝒓? 𝒔𝒉𝒆'𝒔 𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒐𝒚𝒆𝒅, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒉𝒆'𝒔 𝒈𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒉𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒍𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝒊𝒏 𝒂 𝒘𝒆𝒆𝒌 𝒅𝒖𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒆𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉 𝒎𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒚 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒕. 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒒𝒖𝒊𝒆𝒕 𝒌𝒊𝒅 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒍𝒂𝒔𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒃𝒖𝒍𝒍𝒚? 𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒅𝒂𝒅 𝒊𝒔 𝒂𝒃𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒎𝒐𝒎 𝒊𝒔 𝒂 𝒑𝒔𝒚𝒄𝒉𝒐. </p><p>𝒏𝒐 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒊𝒔 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒚 𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒌 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆, 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒊𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒑𝒆𝒐𝒑𝒍𝒆. 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆𝒔, 𝒊𝒕'𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒊𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒑𝒆𝒐𝒑𝒍𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒐 𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒏 𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒔𝒕 𝒊𝒏 𝒏𝒆𝒆𝒅.<br/>
𝒂𝒍𝒎𝒐𝒔𝒕 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒂 𝒔𝒊𝒍𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒄𝒓𝒚 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒉𝒆𝒍𝒑. </p><p>𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅.</p><p> </p><p>— Letter Four.</p><p>dear chris,</p><p>❝ fourth letter. you probably haven't read the other three letters yet, you're on tour. in ten days you'll be back in korea, but by then i'll have written all the letters. so if you are reading this chan, that means that the other letters are probably sitting right next to you, waiting to be opened and read. this is the fourth letter, correct? </p><p>do you know what four represents in chinese numerology? it's ok if you don't, even i don't really understand the concept of it. it's such a simple meaning... but to experience it would be complex. you know, i think about it sometimes. what it would be like to experience it, to finally be overcome by it. </p><p>but something's holding me back, holding me back from experiencing the essence of this chinese definition of the number "4". can you guess what it is? i'll give you a hint, it's name starts with "c" and ends with an "n". ❞</p><p>— someone you are saving. well, someone who you almost saved.</p><p> </p><p>Day 6</p><p>𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆'𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒎𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒊𝒏 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆, 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆'𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒑𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒕. 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒅𝒂𝒚 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒊𝒕 𝒂𝒏𝒚𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒆. 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒖𝒑 𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓. 𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒔. 𝒆𝒎𝒐𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏. </p><p>𝒊𝒕 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒔 𝒔𝒑𝒆𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒖𝒕. 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒄𝒓𝒚, 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒃𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒌𝒅𝒐𝒘𝒏 𝒊𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆. 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒆𝒚𝒆𝒔 𝒈𝒆𝒕 𝒔𝒐 𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍 𝒐𝒇 𝒘𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒊𝒕 𝒔𝒆𝒆𝒎𝒔 𝒊𝒎𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒔𝒊𝒃𝒍𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒆𝒆, 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒐𝒂𝒕 𝒄𝒍𝒐𝒈𝒈𝒆𝒅 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈. 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 𝒃𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉𝒆, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 𝒔𝒆𝒆, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 𝒎𝒐𝒗𝒆. 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒇𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒉𝒓𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒍 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒐 𝒂 𝒖𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒑 𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒓 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒍𝒆𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒔 𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖. 𝒊𝒕 𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆𝒔 𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒃𝒐𝒅𝒚, 𝒊𝒕 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒖𝒎𝒆𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖. </p><p>𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒍𝒖𝒏𝒈𝒔 𝒂𝒄𝒉𝒆, 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒉𝒖𝒓𝒕𝒔, 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒐𝒂𝒕 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒊𝒄𝒕𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒑𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒃𝒂𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒚 𝒔𝒆𝒆𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒈𝒓𝒂𝒔𝒑 𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒐 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚. 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒑, 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒎𝒐𝒖𝒕𝒉 𝒈𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒍𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒆 𝒈𝒐𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒌𝒚 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒂𝒍𝒕𝒚. 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒆𝒚𝒆𝒔 𝒔𝒆𝒆𝒎 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒂𝒏 𝒐𝒃𝒋𝒆𝒄𝒕 𝒍𝒐𝒄𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒐𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒆. 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 𝒎𝒐𝒗𝒆, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 𝒕𝒂𝒍𝒌. 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 𝒅𝒐 𝒂𝒏𝒚𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈. </p><p>𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒊𝒔 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒑, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒅𝒊𝒔𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏 𝒂𝒊𝒓. </p><p>𝒚𝒐𝒖-</p><p> 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒂𝒏 𝒆𝒏𝒅. 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒂𝒏 𝒆𝒏𝒅. </p><p>𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔, 𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒔𝒊𝒕𝒖𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒐𝒐𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒃𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒏.</p><p> </p><p>— Letter Five.</p><p>hey channie,</p><p>❝ look at us, already at day six. six more days of letters to go. </p><p>chan i remember how you would always mark off each day that would pass on your calendar. each day, right before you went to bed, you would cross out that day from the calendar. wouldn't it be amazing if we could just get rid of all the days on the calendar in one pen swipe? just a thought. </p><p>i wonder if you still do that. you're probably wondering how i know that about you. oh chan, the things you know and don't know. you're so special darling. that's exactly why i'm writing to you, you and no one else. </p><p>chan, how do you think it would feel to have someone's life riding in your hands? pretty cool, isn't it? i assume is would be cool, but what if you didn't know? </p><p>what if you didn't know that the person's life was right in your hands. people wonder how i'm so happy all the time. i'm happy because of you chan. thank you for making me smile. ❞</p><p>— someone that you used to know.</p><p> </p><p>— Letter Six.</p><p>dearest channie,</p><p>❝ oh, seems like you came back from tour early, your tour was cut short. chan you went live on your v-live account today. on your live, you said you and the six other members were doing really well. i'm so glad to hear that, i'm glad you and the boys are doing great. </p><p>you also said that a fan had sent you four letters, you said you were so happy that the fan loved and cared for you. oh channie, if only you knew the amount i love you. you said you were looking forward to the fan's next letters. oh that's lovely to know. i wonder how you'll feel when you read today's two letters. letters five and six. </p><p>chan, remember when the members were feeling sad, so you took them out to the park? remember how you caressed every single one of their faces, remember how you told all seven of them how much you cared for them? ah yes, back when it was you and the seven. how do i know all this, you ask? </p><p>how do i know about the park incident that was never recorded or on television? i wonder, i wonder how. i love you so much channie. remember how much i love you, never forget. ❞</p><p>— someone who misses your love.</p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Day 5 to Day 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Day 5</p><p>𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒂 𝒈𝒐𝒐𝒅 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆, 𝒓𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕? 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒓𝒚 𝒊𝒔 𝒉𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒊𝒃𝒍𝒆, 𝒔𝒐 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒍𝒆𝒇𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒓𝒚. 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒉𝒐𝒎𝒆 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒏𝒆𝒘 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒓𝒚 𝒊𝒔 𝒉𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒊𝒃𝒍𝒆, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒎𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒂 𝒅𝒊𝒇𝒇𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒉𝒐𝒎𝒆. 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒔𝒊𝒈𝒏𝒊𝒇𝒊𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒊𝒔 𝒃𝒆𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒉𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒊𝒃𝒍𝒆, 𝒔𝒐 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒎. </p><p>𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒂𝒑𝒆 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒎 𝒗𝒊𝒓𝒕𝒖𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒂𝒏𝒚 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒃𝒍𝒆𝒎 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒅𝒊𝒍𝒆𝒎𝒎𝒂 𝒊𝒏 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆. 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒂 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒇𝒖𝒏𝒏𝒚? 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒂𝒑𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇. 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕'𝒔 𝒓𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕. 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒉𝒐𝒎𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒃𝒆𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒅, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒔𝒕𝒖𝒄𝒌 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇. </p><p>𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 𝒅𝒆𝒂𝒍 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒉𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇. 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒅𝒐 𝒂𝒏𝒚𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒆𝒔𝒄𝒂𝒑𝒆, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕. </p><p>𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒔𝒕𝒖𝒄𝒌, 𝒔𝒕𝒖𝒄𝒌 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒎𝒂𝒏𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒍𝒚 𝒊𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒃𝒐𝒅𝒚, 𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒅 𝒊𝒏𝒇𝒊𝒏𝒊𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒚 𝒊𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅. <br/>𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒔𝒕𝒖𝒄𝒌 𝒔𝒕𝒖𝒄𝒌 𝒔𝒕𝒖𝒄𝒌. 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒅.</p><p>𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔.</p><p> </p><p>— Letter Seven.</p><p>dear chan,</p><p>❝ do you ever sit in your bed and stare at the ceiling, just thinking? you seem so calm and collected, sometimes you go crazy. you're so human, but then suddenly you're a glass soul. it's absolutely beautiful. chan, do you miss your family late at night? do you think about your life, do you think of song lyrics, do you smile?  chan? </p><p>are you happy? </p><p>you're so strong all the time, you look at your members like they hold your very life together, like you have to protect them with every fragment of yourself. you're so lovely. </p><p>i remember when you looked at me like that. sometimes, i think of life without you existing. and then i realize that's probably how hell feels. you still don't know who i am, huh? you identify me as "the fan". that's ok, it's ok. </p><p>i'll tell you who i am soon, but for now just know that my love for you grows by every passing day. it will just continue to grow for the next four days. you're perfect. ❞</p><p>— someone who wonders how you've been lately.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Day 4</p><p>𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒌 𝒕𝒐𝒄𝒌. </p><p>𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆 𝒑𝒂𝒔𝒔𝒆𝒔. 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒅𝒔 𝒎𝒐𝒗𝒆. 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒖𝒕𝒆𝒔 𝒑𝒂𝒔𝒔, 𝒅𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒈𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒔, 𝒚𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒔 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒖𝒆. 𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒌, 𝒊𝒕'𝒔 𝒂 𝒄𝒍𝒐𝒄𝒌.</p><p> </p><p>𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒍𝒐𝒄𝒌 𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒑𝒔 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒏𝒐 𝒐𝒏𝒆. </p><p>𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆 𝒊𝒔 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒃𝒆 𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒅, 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕'𝒔 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒚 𝒊𝒕 𝒊𝒔. 𝒐𝒇 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒆, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒑 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒍𝒐𝒄𝒌, 𝒊𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐. </p><p>𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒈𝒐 𝒂𝒘𝒂𝒚. 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒑 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒅𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆. 𝒊𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒍𝒐𝒄𝒌 𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒃𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒎𝒖𝒄𝒉, 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒐𝒇 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒏 𝒐𝒇𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒐𝒘𝒏 𝒄𝒍𝒐𝒄𝒌.</p><p> </p><p>𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒑 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒐𝒘𝒏 𝒄𝒍𝒐𝒄𝒌, 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏 𝒊𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒐𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒄𝒍𝒐𝒄𝒌𝒔 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒍𝒅 𝒌𝒆𝒑𝒕 𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈. </p><p>𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒐𝒏𝒍𝒚 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒃𝒍𝒆𝒎? 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅𝒏'𝒕 𝒃𝒆 𝒂𝒃𝒍𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒏 𝒊𝒕 𝒐𝒏 𝒂𝒈𝒂𝒊𝒏.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>— Letter Eight.</p><p>dear chan,</p><p>❝ oh look, we're at day four. it's a special day, it really shows where i want to go in the next few days. anyways, we don't have much time. you still don't know who i am, do you chan? i want you to figure out soon. our time is running short. remember a few letters ago when i told you to read the letters carefully? i hope you are. </p><p>chan, do you remember that time a year back. not quite a year, more like nine months ago. remember when you were producing for hours and hours without stop in your studio, working to the point where the pull of sleep had stopped trying. remember how your blonde curls dropped on your face, how your eyes were open but so puffy and tired. your nose and cheeks were pink and you were sniffling.</p><p>that's how we found out you had a cold. you never got sick, but yet here you were. sick. it just comes to show how the most unlikely things will still happen.</p><p>remember how i gently took away your computer and paper, how i pried your worn down fingers away ever so lightly from your pen? remember how i gently brushed your hair out of your face and ran my hands through it. when i helped you stand up from the chair you had been glued to for the last hours. i took you back to the dorm and helped you get cleaned up, made you soup, fed you medicine.</p><p>then? you went off to bed. halfway to your room, you called me. you said you wanted me to come tuck you in, you looked so tired. i then really looked at you. it didn't matter that you were so broad, it didn't matter that you were bigger than me. it didn't matter how much you wanted me to always see you as the strongest and most steady hyung. because at that moment, i was the one protecting and helping you. you looked so tired and broken down.</p><p>you looked so helpless, like all your strong walls that everyone always saw had broken down.</p><p>i remember walking with you to your room and tucking you into bed, making sure that the covers were right up to your chin. i gave you a small kiss on your forehead, and then i was about to walk off. but you, you didn't let me. you held on to my wrist with the weakest and most gentle grip, trying so hard not to let your body segue into sleep. i looked back to see you struggling not to close your eyes, and your mouth uttered one sleepy word.</p><p>"stay."</p><p>oh, did you know how much that hurt? i wanted so much for that to be more than you said. when i walked back to you and went under the covers next to you, i wished you thought of me as someone closer. when you wrapped your strong arms around me and tucked your head into the cusp my chest, i wish you had thought of me as more. </p><p>chan, i wrapped my arms around your strong frame and held you close to me, i held your head right at the cusp of my heart. you took in deep, staggering breaths. you came impossibly closer to me, you held onto me so tight. and when you decided that you were content, you finally took sleep's hand and let it pull you away. </p><p>the entire time you were sleeping, i was right in your arms, running my hands through your hair and easing the tense muscles on your back. i was running my hands down you, wanting to get every single tensed muscle to finally relax. and i was trying so hard not to cry.</p><p>this moment, that moment was the saddest moment of my life. yet also the happiest.</p><p>how? how you ask? how can one moment be both the saddest and happiest i've ever felt.</p><p>i'll explain it in the next letter. you're getting two today. </p><p>and chan? i think you have an idea of who i am now. how have you been?</p><p>how has life without me been? ❞</p><p>— someone who's trying not to cry.</p><p> </p><p>— Letter Nine.</p><p>dear chan, </p><p>❝ you're confused, aren't you? about how a moment can be the happiest and saddest of a person's life. well, here i'll finally explain it to you. i'll explain how. i can finally do it now that you're not next to me anymore.</p><p>you see chan, i was so in love with you. i loved you so much, and not just the brotherly love we shared with the members. i loved you like... like a husband loves his wife. i was so deeply in love with you, every touch we ever shared was like a jolt of sweet electricity through me. i felt the need to protect you, even though you were so much bigger and stronger. i just wanted to give you everything i could muster.</p><p>that day i took care of you, the day i tended to you when you were sick. i loved how you held onto me so tightly, i loved how you fell asleep clinging to me. that was and still continues to be the happiest moment of my life. because at that moment it really felt like you loved me just as much as i loved you. because you had told me to stay, and you held me so tight. </p><p>why? why was it the saddest too you ask? why did that moment make me want to cry out terribly? well chan, it was the saddest because you didn't see it in the way i did. because no matter how much i wanted that moment to be something romantic and loving, you didn't see it in that way. never once did you tell me you loved me. and the times you did it was purely platonic.</p><p>chan it hurt because i was so deeply in love and you weren't. it hurt so terribly because we were in such an embrace that felt so romantic, so loving. but you didn't see it like you. you only saw it like. like a brother. and it just hurt, it hurt so so bad.</p><p>why did i leave the group? i don't know chan, look through the letters. do i sound like i'm ok? do i sound like i'm fine? look at them closely chan. read through them.</p><p>and chan? i still love you. so much. ❞</p><p>— someone who has a cracked heart.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Day 3</p><p>𝒅𝒐 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒇𝒖𝒍 𝒊𝒕 𝒊𝒔? </p><p>𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒇𝒖𝒍 𝒊𝒕 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒆. 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕. </p><p>𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒂 𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒅𝒐, 𝒂 𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒑𝒆𝒐𝒑𝒍𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒎𝒆𝒆𝒕, 𝒂 𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒕𝒖𝒅𝒚.</p><p> </p><p>𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒔𝒐 𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒓𝒊𝒃𝒍𝒚, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒂𝒔 𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒂𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏. </p><p>𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕. 𝒃𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒂 𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏, 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒄𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒌𝒆𝒅. 𝒃𝒓𝒐𝒌𝒆𝒏.</p><p>𝒊𝒕'𝒔 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒕𝒓𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐 𝒄𝒐𝒍𝒐𝒓 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒂 𝒃𝒓𝒐𝒌𝒆𝒏 𝒄𝒓𝒂𝒚𝒐𝒏. 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒍𝒍 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒖𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒇𝒊𝒏𝒊𝒔𝒉 𝒄𝒐𝒍𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒖𝒍𝒕 𝒘𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅𝒏'𝒕 𝒃𝒆 𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒚. </p><p>𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒊𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒅𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒅𝒓𝒂𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒈? </p><p>𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒓𝒊𝒑 𝒊𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒆. 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒓𝒊𝒑 𝒊𝒕 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒉𝒓𝒆𝒅𝒔.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>— Letter Ten.</p><p>dear chan,</p><p>❝ that's it, i'm going to come clean. i'm going to stop all the hiding, i'm going to cut my very self open and tell you everything i've ever felt. you know chan, it takes strength to act like you're happy with you're not. so i guess you were right when you always told me i was so strong. because i was strong, i smiled and laughed every single day when on the inside i was dying.</p><p>i smiled every single day. i woke up with a smile, i ate with a smile, I talked to our fans with a smile. i talked to our members with a smile. i made sure to laugh, i made sure to comfort. i smiled, i laughed, i hugged.</p><p>but when i went to sleep? i cried. i cried my self to sleep every single night.</p><p>the reason, the reason i left the group? well the answer is simple. i left because i couldn't be strong anymore. that's all there is, i just couldn't continue the fake laughs and smiles.</p><p>i just couldn't to pretend to be ok when i obviously wasn't. it's like pretending to be an art major when you were a science major. you can fake it for a while, but it'll catch up to you and go over you like a bus.</p><p>want to know something chan? all the smiles i gave you were real smiles. you were the only reason i smiled at all. and you. and you still are. </p><p>how does it feel chan? how does it feel to be the reason someone is alive? ❞</p><p>— someone who gave up on fake smiles and fleeting happiness.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Day 2, and then Day 1.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Day 2</p><p>𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒅𝒊𝒅 𝒊𝒕 𝒈𝒐, 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒃𝒆𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒊𝒇𝒖𝒍 𝒔𝒎𝒊𝒍𝒆? </p><p>𝒚𝒐𝒖, 𝒘𝒉𝒐 𝒖𝒔𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒎𝒊𝒍𝒆 𝒔𝒐 𝒎𝒖𝒄𝒉, 𝒊 𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒔 𝒊𝒕 </p><p>𝒊 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒔𝒆𝒆 𝒊𝒕 𝒂𝒍𝒍, 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒂𝒘𝒌𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒅 𝒔𝒎𝒊𝒍𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒊𝒄𝒉 𝒊𝒔𝒏'𝒕 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 </p><p>𝒊'𝒎 𝒈𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒅 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒉𝒐 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒔𝒐 𝒃𝒓𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 </p><p>𝒊 𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖, 𝒊 𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖</p><p> 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝒖𝒔𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒉𝒖𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒔</p><p>- 𝒎.𝒊.𝒂 , 𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒚 𝒌𝒊𝒅𝒔</p><p> </p><p>𝒃𝒓𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒔𝒎𝒊𝒍𝒆? 𝒔𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒚, 𝒊 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒏'𝒕 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒅 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒂 𝒘𝒉𝒊𝒍𝒆.</p><p> </p><p>— Letter Eleven.</p><p>dear chan,</p><p>❝ i don't know how i ended up like this. there was a time when i was happy. i remember little me who had a big dream, who had a smile as bright as the stars. little me who had the biggest visions, too big to hold in my tiny hands. little me who laughed and smiled without trying, little me who brightened everyone's day just by appearing.</p><p>what happened to little me? well, he grew up. he grew up and achieved his dreams, but lost his stars. lost his happiness, lost his smiles. little happy me became big me who has to force himself to smile.</p><p>i had such good memories with the boys, nothing could replace that.</p><p>hyunjin. hyunjin who would always laugh his beautiful loud laugh and brighten the room. he made me smile a lot. the smiles never lasted, but at least they existed for a second. i miss him, but that's ok.</p><p>jisung. the twin i never had. oh jisung, the times we had together. he would always make me laugh with his jokes. the laughs weren't ever long, but at least for a moment i felt happy.</p><p>changbin. the softest hyung i've ever had. you take care of him, right? you and the boys take care of him?</p><p>seungmin. the brightest boy in the world, the smartest little boy. protect him, ok?</p><p>minho. minho was the hyung that taught me to dance my best. tell him i said thank you, i owe him all my dreams.</p><p>oh innie. my baby innie. i loved him like i would love my own child. he's my sweetest boy, the cutest boy, he holds a little piece of the remaining happiness i ever retained. keep my little innie safe, ok? keep my innie happy and safe.</p><p>and you, you chan. the love of my life. i already told you everything, didn't i? i love you. i never stopped loving you. my love, my life, my brave brave chan. stay stunning darling, stay stunning.</p><p>you all held the only real smiles i ever had. you all held the only happiness i ever felt. </p><p>thank you. thank you to all you for giving me a small piece of joy. ❞</p><p>— someone who is ready to go.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Day 1</p><p>𝒐𝒉 𝒅𝒆𝒂𝒓! 𝒘𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒌 𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆 ? </p><p> </p><p>𝒊𝒕’𝒔 𝒂𝒍𝒎𝒐𝒔𝒕 𝒐𝒖𝒕.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>— Letter Twelve.</p><p>dear chan,</p><p>❝ i really don't know at this point. i cry everyday for no particular reason. i wake up wanting to cry, i cry randomly. of course i feel happy sometimes, but why does it seem to go away so quickly? i can never hold onto my short bursts of happiness. they always seem to fly away.</p><p>chan i have no one to hold me anymore. chan i don't have anyone to talk to. it's so terrifying to wake up everyday and realize that the nightmare is waking up. when i sleep i wake up not even an hour later. when i do sleep i can't wake up after several hours.</p><p>sometimes i just don't sleep at all.</p><p>people always joke about depression chan, i do too. i did too. but now? is it really a joke anymore? it's hard to joke about something that feels like a knife right in the line of your life.</p><p>i can't seem to go a day without breaking down completely out of nowhere. there is just no one out there for me anymore. i wanted someone to talk to so bad, but when i decided to finally open up, i realize there was no one to listen.</p><p>i don't harm myself, that's stupid. i don't want to die, i want to live. but there's just something wrong with me that just won't let me live my life. my happiness seems to be fleeting. i can't find it anymore, no matter how hard i try. and all i do is cry. i just cry all the time.</p><p>chan, chan it hurts so bad, the crying. when i cry and there's no one to ask me if i'm ok. there's no one to hug me and tell me i'll be ok. there's no one to hold me tight and hold me close. there's no one to lull my twisted infested mind to sleep.</p><p>there's no one to tell me it's ok not to smile at everyone all the time. chan, chan it hurts so bad. i just get random jolts of pain sometimes. i seem to hate everyone these days, but i can't be rude or else i'd get kicked out.</p><p>i read articles chan. i talked to a professional anonymously. chan they said i have depression. not the type of depression you get from losing your son or being unable to get pregnant. not the type of depression you feel from seeing something nostalgic.</p><p>chan i'm just sad. all the time, i'm just sad. and it hurts, it hurts to live like this.</p><p>it hurts to wake up into a nightmare, it hurts to sleep and not be able to. it hurts to sleep and not be able to get up. it hurts to eat, and then it hurts to stop eating. it hurts to cry, but i can't stop crying.</p><p>chan. chan? chan? come to the han river at eleven pm this saturday. it won't make a difference if you don't come, but if you do it would be nice. </p><p>it would be nice to see you one last time. ❞</p><p>— your felix, your shredded felix.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Day 0. And maybe a little more.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Day 0</p><p>𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒔𝒕 𝒕𝒚𝒑𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒔𝒂𝒅𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒅𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒘𝒉𝒚 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒔𝒂𝒅. </p><p>𝒃𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 𝒇𝒊𝒙 𝒊𝒕.</p><p>𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒔𝒕 𝒕𝒚𝒑𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒅𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉 𝒊𝒔 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒅𝒊𝒆. </p><p>𝒃𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒍𝒍 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒃𝒆 𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒂𝒈𝒂𝒊𝒏.</p><p> </p><p>𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕'𝒔 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒔𝒆? 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒓𝒆 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒅𝒊𝒆.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>—</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>chan walked quickly in the direction of the han river. it was only ten forty-five pm, but he wanted to get there on time. while walking, he couldn't stop his mind from wandering. he couldn't stop beating himself up. reading those letters, reading the letters had sparked something in him. he couldn't stop thinking and warping his mind around it.</p><p>the first few letters seemed like a devoted, kind fan. he loved letters from his stay and liked that they loved him too. but after he started getting more, they had become different.</p><p>they started to relight old memories that he had tried to get rid of. he was scared at first. he didn't know how a fan knew so much about his random actions. his calendar marking, his studio habits, his small small details.</p><p>but then, he realized how the fan knew.</p><p>because the fan was felix. he knew before felix had confirmed it, he knew because of the memories that he pointed out in the letters. </p><p>felix. felix left from the group a few months ago. no one knew why, not even the members. only jyp did. he had left by his own will. the amount the members cried, the amount that chan cried. they didn't know why their friend was being taken away from them. chan didn't know why a piece of him was leaving. the boys cried so much, but felix, felix was the one smiling.</p><p>he was the one telling them that it was ok. he was the one hugging them and telling them not to cry, that they would all be together again one day. he was the one wiping away their tears and smiling at them, never once shedding a tear. </p><p>never once did he shed a tear or frown in the time he spent with his group. chan had thought it was because the younger was so happy and bright all the time. he didn't see anything wrong. that's why he always went to the younger when he needed to cry or when he needed to be held. he needed to be strong for the other boys, but felix was already so strong.</p><p>after felix left, chan was a mess. he cried every single day for two weeks. after that, it seemed that the flame that once lit him was diminished. he still cared and loved all his members, but he had loved felix. he loved felix like a wife loves her husband. he put on a show smile for the crowd, but inside, he was broken. the crack in his heart was forgotten day after day, but it was brought right back when the letters came.</p><p>reading the letters, chan cried his eyes out. he didn't realize, he didn't realize that the reason felix was smiling and laughing all the time was to fill in his emptiness. his happiness was a shell. his strength was forced, he was ruining himself.</p><p>every day when he got a new letter, he would go crazy. because each letter just got darker and darker, because with each letter felix let go of his shell and showed how broken he was.</p><p>he didn't see how broken felix was. felix, felix was ripped to shreds.</p><p>he regretted everything. he regretted letting felix just leave. he regretted not seeing how felix was suffering. he regretted not telling felix how he felt. he was wallowed in a pool of dark regret.</p><p>walking now, in the dark night, nothing seemed right. not even the stars seemed to be present, the moon was an empty black. the road was muscle memory for chan, he didn't need light to see where he was going. he had the route memorized by heart.</p><p>he walked, one shaking foot before the other. one quivering step at a time, keeping a straight shaky pace. his head was full of the letters and felix's words, and his mind was filled with all the things he didn't do. his head was engulfed in the regret, the shaky regret of not realizing the pain felix was in.</p><p>as he approached the river side, he looked at his watch. eleven oh three pm. he was three minutes late, but he was approaching the riverside quickly. as the dim lanterns near the river started to enter his view, he made out the silhouette of a small person. </p><p>the person was standing right at the edge of the river, just a step away from falling in. just an inch away from falling in and being washed away.</p><p>chan started walking faster, his shaky legs going as quick as they could. he had to warn the person that it was unsafe to stand that close to the edge of the water. but as he got into a ten foot distance, he realized that the person was getting really close to tripping off.</p><p>the boy turned to look at him, and once they met eyes, the boy smiled. the boy smiled a big smile cracked in several places. the boy smiled a big, broken smile.</p><p>and then he realized the boy was felix.</p><p>the boy took one step off the pavement. </p><p>a body falling into the dark, icy water.</p><p>and then there was a water splash. </p><p>and a shrill scream from chan.</p><p>a second too late. </p><p>then there was running, and yelling.</p><p>chan had jumped into the water, diving down and getting ice cold water stung into his eyes. he pushed until he came in contact with a body. holding his breath harshly, he grasped the body tightly in the grasp of one strong arm, swimming with all his might out of the water.</p><p>gasping for air and falling back onto the dry pavement, chan placed felix down. he breathed heavily and rapidly, his hands shaking like a psychopath. unnoticed tears streamed down his face like a raging waterfall, shivering and shaking.</p><p>"felix! lee felix! no, you're not going to die on me. wake up, wake up, open your eyes. felix! get up! don't don't don't. felix no you can't. not a second time."</p><p>he yelled like a mad man, pressing down desperately on felix's lifeless chest and putting air through his mouth profusely. there was no response to chan's constant pleas and breaths, but he continued. he couldn't, he couldn't let him die. no he couldn't. never.</p><p>breathing heavily, chan continued to yell. he yelled and screamed and pushed and breathed. he did so much, he was feeling as if he would faint right then and there. his tears fell so heavily it seemed they would never stop.</p><p>he couldn't accept it. no, he hasn't lost him. he didn't loose the only boy he had ever loved. he hadn't. he shook felix crazily, wailing and screeching crazily for him to wake up. he wailed and wailed, torrents of water falling out his bloodshot eyes and down onto felix's cold skin.</p><p>he was sure he would go mad, he was sure he'd go completely insane. seeing the lifeless, paleing face of felix.</p><p>until he heard something.</p><p>he heart a strong cough come from the boy beneath him. the coughs turned into gurgles and choking on water. the boy started spasming as the water started to choke him in his down position. chan immediately picked the boy up so that he could get rid of all the water that had collected in his lungs.</p><p>it seemed as if gallons of water fell out of felix's mouth as he heaved heavily. he coughed and sputtered, his body feeling like it was burning away in the dark, heavy cold.</p><p>there was heavy breathing, there was so much heavy breathing. but they were breathing, he was breathing. felix was breathing.</p><p>the boy gasped and coughed before he finally took a big breath of air. his lips quivered and his eyes seemed to be glued shut. he grasped his face with his icy hands, gasping as he moved his frozen fingers wildly to touch his skin. he couldn't feel anything, but he was moving. and then he breathed in deeply. he let his lungs fill with the sweet scent of life.</p><p>chan. chan let out a choked sob and grabbed the boy gently. he opened up his arms and encased the fragile boy within them. he wrapped his arms around felix so tightly, he wrapped his arms around him so tight. as tight as he could, he had to make sure the boy would never fall out. this boy who almost left for a second time.</p><p>felix shuddered at the sudden pressure being put around him, and he still couldn't open his eyes. slowly, his senses started to come back. his ears started to open up, hearing strong sobs. his nose cleared, smelling a strong scent of vanilla and coffee cake. his tongue began to gain feeling, and he licked his frozen, cracked lips. his lips began to defrost, feeling cold skin pressed flush against them. and lastly, he opened his eyes.</p><p>he opened his eyes, and then he could see. he saw the dimmed lights and the deep navy of the river. he saw the weighted green of the tree leaves and the rough, pebble filled ground. and he saw the brown, wet sweater his face was gently against. and then he saw the creamy blonde hair.</p><p>he gently lifted his arms, using them to slowly grip at the shoulders he was pressed against and pulling himself slightly apart. he shakily pushed, feeling the strong arms around him loosen just a tad. and then he was met with a face, the face of an angel he hadn't seen in months.</p><p>felix could feel his eyes water as he looked into the other man's red, bloodshot eyes. still just as beautiful from when he had last seen them. he could feel chan's shaky breaths against him, as felix lifted his shaky, skinny arms to touch his face.</p><p>felix's cold hands reached up to caress chan's face. he felt himself shake physically, and he felt the tears clouding his vision as he touched the face of his only reason to live.</p><p>he ran his thumbs gently against chan's cheek bones, he ran his fingers with a feather like touch to touch his eyebrows. he brushed his numb fingers gently over his shaky eyelids, over his drenched lower eyes. he gently caressed his full lips with his shivering fingers. his eyes went all over his face, looking, analyzing, memorizing every single detail on chan's face.</p><p>his hands dropped, a shuddering chill ran through his body. his head fell, and then the tears came. he let out a loud wail and started to cry uncontrollably. just like he did everyday, just like the tears that were shed week after week. but this time, someone was there to hold him.</p><p>chan ever so softly held the boy against him, and he put the boy's face to rest gently against his shoulder. he could feel the sobs racking the smaller's whole body, he could feel the thick tears fall all over his already wet coat. he stayed silent and let the boy cry. he just held the boy close and rubbed gentle circles into his drenched, boney back.</p><p>and he whispered to him that it was going to be ok. he whispered that they would figure everything out. he held him like he was the most delicate china and spoke to him as if he was the most precious glass. he just held the frail boy until his sobs decreased and started to become ragged coughs. felix grasped his nails into the male's coat, gripping onto it tightly as his coughs started to cease.</p><p>"felix." </p><p>chan whispered out. not to anyone in particular, he just wanted to say his name. and then felix responded with a quivering yes, letting chan know he actually had the boy in his arms. this was lee felix he was holding, the boy that was always there for him when things were thin and breaking. the boy that would care for him when he was sick. the boy who kept him from being broken.</p><p>"felix. felix you can lean on me." chan whispered shakily, holding the boy impossibly closer.</p><p>"felix you can talk to me. you can tell me what's wrong, you can cry on me. felix, i can hold you." he continued, feeling his eyes fill with tears the third time that night.</p><p>"lee felix you're too beautifully precious to be so broken. why is it that all the pretty things are always broken? why did you jump? felix, felix why?!" chan wailed, his voice cracking as the tears fell heavily.</p><p>"felix why didn't you tell me anything?! you always cared for me, why didn't you ever tell me you needed to be held?! why, why should you let yourself take all this burden and break yourself so horribly? w-why? why didn't you say anything?!" chan yelled into the night sky, his voice colored in with a broken crayon.</p><p>"felix these letters you sent me, why didn't you ever tell how you felt? why?! i could've held you, i could've done so much. i could have kissed away the wrinkles in your heart, i could've erased the worries out of your mind."</p><p>"i loved you so much, why didn't you tell me you loved me too? i could have kissed you whenever you were feeling down. i could have kissed every single freckle on that beautiful face of yours and told you how beautiful you are. i could have been there for you- i could have, i-i could have- i beat myself up every single day after you left. if only i had told you how much i cared. i-i- felix if i wasn't here today you would've- felix you would have-" </p><p>and then his voice cracked in a million different places. his sobs grew delirious, the brokenness yelled out into dark sky.</p><p>the utter regret and sadness in chan's voice, it was terrible. the usual blue crayon that would color his voice was now a broken, shredded crayon. </p><p>felix was in despair, all he could do was clutch onto the larger male as hard as he could. his nails dug into his coat sharply, and he let his salty tears fall into the fabric.</p><p>the two broken boys sat there on the ground over looking the river, clutching onto each other as tight as they could. felix, who was broken and lived only because chan was in this world. chan, who broke after felix left and only lived so that once day he could find him again.</p><p>it started to rain, soft dark clouds started to fill the sky. the rain made soft taps against the ground as it started to steadily fall, and the two boys in the middle started to feel the drops of water falling onto their already drenched bodies. </p><p>chan softly laid back onto the wet ground, taking felix to come down and rest atop him. the rain pitter pattered around the two as their broken cries slowly lulled. the rain fell on their already wet hair, and it washed away their tears of sorrow.</p><p>there was only shallow breathing now, no more tears. the rain had taken away the tears. felix dug his head tightly into chan's neck and adjusted himself so that his body was pressed flush against the larger male. his hands clutched at his shoulders, and he breathed in a deep shaky breath of chan's intoxicating warm scent. chan tightly wrapped his strong arms around the small, frail boy's waist and held him as close as possible.</p><p>the two shattered boys laid there with each other held tightly in their arms, their broken hearts looking for the comfort that they had to offer to each other. they both knew what they needed, but the invisible barrier kept them apart from saying it.</p><p>until felix decided he just couldn't take it anymore. he had lost the boy once. he almost lost him again. never, never was he going to allow a third time. he needed this boy to keep him alive, he needed his boy to help him.</p><p>"c-chan? i l-love you. so much. you were the last reason for m-me to live. a-and once it s-seemed time to let go of the w-world, it was your face i n-needed to see before d-d-die- leaving." felix said in a cracked voice.</p><p>"d-do you s-still love me like y-you said you did?" felix asked shakily, his broken voice vibrating in the empty night. he hoped, he hoped so bad that the answer was what he wanted it to be.</p><p>chan squeezed the shivering boy tightly against him, feeling the knife that was in his chest pull out and get bandaged. it was his chance, this was his time. he could make everything ok.</p><p>"felix. felix, i love you so much." he said softly to the small boy. then felix let out a cracked sob. a loud, cracked sob. it was a sob of relief. a sob of, </p><p>happiness.</p><p>"i will make your pain end today. right now. i will hold you, ok? i will hold you forever. i will make sure that your undeserved suffering ends today. i'll erase every sorrow that your heart has ever felt, one day at a time."</p><p>"i will hold you angel, i will hold you."</p><p>the rain fell heavily onto the ground, the river hummed lightly. the skies were filled with dark clouds, the moon began to shine a soft, silvery glow onto the dark riverside. the trees collected water in their leaves, looking upon the boys laid down on the drenched pavement.</p><p>two boys wrapped in a tight embrace, two broken hearts slowly being sowed together. no, they weren't healed. felix wouldn't be ok for a long while, his physical and mental trauma wouldn't leave him for some time. </p><p>but chan was the bright blue crayon he needed to color in his dark sky. felix was the broken white crayon chan had taped together.</p><p>slowly, slowly they would mend. </p><p>laying back in the rain, two boys saved each other. </p><p>fin.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>you can leave your thought in the comments if you want? anyway, thank you for reading, and I hope you all stay positively lovely during this pandemic &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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